Hey there, it’s Tina. Grab some tea and sit down, we’re about to get real deep.
I’ve only very recently become vocal about my depression. Even still I haven’t told many people or go into great detail on how I feel, but it is a start. Baby steps, Bob (great movie, sorry getting sidetracked). I’ve had depression since I was around thirteen (I am now 16 going on 17~). It comes in waves, usually triggered by a stressful situation and stays for weeks. It’ll go away for a week, a month, maybe a few months, but I’m usually triggered again by something very small. The process repeats.
I suffered in silence for years, I got really low at points ( I was never suicidal, though). Don’t you think I’d be angry at the world and hate God because he created me with depression? That it’s His fault that I’m not happy when I should be and I can’t control my tears? That I can’t enjoy the company of my friends and family because I’m sad?
The answer is no.
I’m not angry at God. In fact, recently it came to light that if I hadn’t been depressed I might not have been saved. If I hadn’t been depressed, I probably would have shrugged off God and thought I was completely fine taking care of myself and would have lived for myself and not for Him. My depression is part of his plan for my life and for His glory.
“I once was lost but now I’m found.” Before I came to Christ, I never understood the hymn ‘Amazing Grace’. I thought it sounded pretty, but I never felt the words move me. I thought the song was some kind of complicated poem you read in literature class. Even the word ‘grace’ seemed too complicated to define, I hadn’t the foggiest idea of what it meant. About a year (or two, gosh I’m terrible with years, all I know is it felt like a very long time) after I started to be depressed ‘I was blind but now I see’. God took me in His arms and saved me. He showed me my purpose, He showed me not to live life to impress others, not to live for their approval and praise, My life is His and only His.
A couple weeks ago my pastor preached about grace in God. Grace is a feeling of rest and peace in God. One that, the worms that we are, don’t deserve. This feeling is just a glimpse of what’s in store for us in heaven. Where there is no sin, and eternal peace (it’s so hard to conceive that idea, peace forever). I finally new what it meant! I’d felt it before, but I’d never been able to put it in words.
We sang Amazing Grace that service. Even though I’d been saved years ago and had heard that hymn many times since then, the words sounded different that day. I sang of my story, of every Christian’s story. Of being lost and found by a merciful God. I finally understood what it meant.
I still have depression, and I might have it the rest of my mortal life. But I can see now, God put it in my life as a way of showing His glory. I know that might be hard to see, but it’s true. It’s there to show that we live in a fallen world and can only look to Christ for hope. It’s a story I can tell people when I’m sharing the Gospel with them. So they can see how He’s changed my life, for His glory.
I hope you enjoyed your tea, and I hope through these words you found some grace. Tina out.