Twenty-Fourteen came and went. I always think I will feel different at the stroke of midnight, every single year and yet it never comes. I always feel the same, never older or wiser. Never wishing the new year into realization because I know that it will come whether I want it to or not.
Time doesn’t make a fool wise.
I’d like to think I’ve changed this year, not because the passage of time but because of things I’ve learned. Grace. I think that’s the thing I learned. I’m not graceful, I trip over my feet. It’s not that kind of grace I’m talking about. The grace of my Father. The grace so loving that it fills you with hope you never knew you had. And maybe even joy which is hard to come by these days. But it is there, tangible, real, steady. Twenty-Fourteen was hard. I lost things I will never be able to get back in this life, and that hurts and I’ve cried more this year than before. I have hope and right now I believe that’s the only thing that matters.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ESV)
This NYE my family and I marathoned 5 episodes of Breaking Bad and drank sparkling cider, enviably missing the ball drop. Eeeh, I’ll live. This year the passage of time has seemed less significant than any other year before. Thanksgiving was Thanksgiving, Christmas was Christmas. It was good, not bad at all. But deep down it didn’t really matter too me. I loved giving gifts and hated opening them. I loved planning Thanksgiving dinner then stressing out about it because it didn’t turn out exactly how I wanted it too. But it didn’t matter to me…
Why? Because I’m learning that this life, this beautiful God-given life we have isn’t meant too last. It’s meant to wither and pass away. We aren’t meant to be so firmly planted in this life that we want nothing else. I believe that we will not be satisfied in this life, not fully anyway. We will stumble, fall, cry, tear our hair out over the agony of life, of pain, of loss, of love. These are meant to be felt. It is meant to tear us down and draw us close to our Father, who loves us in our pain, who will do anything to take that pain away. That is the joy we should have, the hope of something to come. Something perfect and whole. Something beautiful.
~ Sincerely, Saralyn
If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world. C.S. Lewis