I don’t even feel like a real person…

I’m tired. I’m just so tired.

A few weeks ago a wave of fatigue hit me and it has yet to go away. It’s not a subtle tiredness that I can push to the back of my mind. And it’s not something that can be solved with enough coffee (trust me, I’ve tried).

It’s there every day. A heaviness that looms over me, like a great weight is pushing down on me. A fog in my mind that’s so thick that sometimes I can barely read or focus anything.

It’s not from lack of sleep, I probably have the most normal sleep schedule I have ever had in my life…Except two days ago, when I felt so bad that I went to bed at 7pm. But that was a freak incident, (although almost every day I want to go to bed that early).
I’m not really sure what is causing it. I had a blood test, and they didn’t find anything. So I got blood drawn again to check for other things. I’m waiting for the results of that one.
I have been aware that I have a blood disorder called Beta thalassemia. I’ve been told  there are no symptoms that come with it. But I’m pretty positive that’s a load of B.S. Because if something is slightly off with your blood (lack of hemoglobin and oxygen) IT WILL PROBABLY MESS THINGS UP. I don’t know if it’s at all related to what I’m going through right now, but it probably doesn’t help…

Oh man. I’m not really sure what’s going to happen with this. How it’s going to be solved, if it’s going to be solved. The thought sometimes enters my mind about being this tired for the rest of my life, and it doesn’t put me in a very good place.  I know it seems like I’m jumping to conclusions, but I’ve dealt with this a lot before. It was just never this bad.

I haven’t been letting it stop me from doing things, though. I just need a lot of recovery time. Which at first made me feel incredibly lazy and guilty. Spending so much time as a burrito of blankets in bed.

But I’m getting better at cutting myself some slack. Letting my mind rest as well as my body.

So it’s been frustrating. It’s hard to be positive about something that’s so constant and nagging, but I’m trying…I guess I’ll end this with saying that it’s another reminder that God is bigger than me and my problems.That my body is not something that’s perfect or something that is going to last forever. That this is temporary and one day I won’t feel all this weight on my body and on my heart. And that gives me a little comfort.

p.s.
But let’s also pray this can be solved by me taking a shit ton of vitamins.

-Tina.